I can say with honesty that it's been a slightly tumultuous week for me. Just, sometimes life is more difficult than other times. And not too much happened differently, but I just felt overwhelmed by work and life and how there is so much I don't know and I guess it took its toll.
One nice day was when Bethany took me along with her to Guitar Center to pick out a bass for her boyfriend's birthday. Well, now, I've spent some time at Guitar Center with various old musician loves of mine. So it was a familiar trip for me, only, this time, we had no clue what we were doing. It's loud in there and we were just looking at each other like, seriously, this is loud, and all of these people are just playing instruments thinking they're the best and I don't doubt that they are but all we heard was an obnoxious medley of strumming and drumming and electric guitar riffing and it was definitely affecting our sanity and decision making abilities.
Still, we knew we had to find a bass, and with no help readily around, I turned to these three kids who were playing with a bass and asked them that if one were to buy a bass for one's boyfriend, which would they suggest? Now, I thought that would procure an enthusiastic response from aspiring bassists wanting to show off their knowledge, but instead, one of the kids just looked at the wall of basses and said, "Um, I don't know." And the other kid said, awkwardly, "Uh, I just started playing the bass." And I was thinking, but didn't you do any research? Aren't you super stoked on this whole bass thing, salivating at the hopes of owning one someday? Grrrr. Usually I am so good with the young guys.
So, we finally found real staff help and, though it didn't feel like his heart was in it either, after much deliberation on color and us not having a clue anyway about the other stuff, we ended up with an orange four-string. Who knows if that thing is in any way worthy of her boyfriend's talents, but, we did what we could.
And on the way out, walking through the parking lot, I was holding the big cumbersome box and Bethany had that orange bass cradled in her arms, and we passed three very musician looking guys and I said loudly, to amuse myself, "Oh, I'm so glad we decided to start a band!" And Bethany, as usual, rolled her eyes, and I was dying with laughter, because, we really didn't look like we were going to start a band at all, and those guys looked like they took things too seriously and I thought that was pretty funny.
After that small instrumental adventure, we went to L'Oteria to celebrate the purchase, or, in any case, just to decompress from all of the noise and confusion, thank the great lord above, because I do think we needed it and also the last time I tried to go there it was closed for the night. So we sat at the counter and watched the guy make that griddled cheese thing who is apparently not as good at it as the girl who makes that griddled cheese thing because it was a bit too crispy, but we weren't complaining. It's still just the best strange appetizer that we will never understand.
We were quite happy, then, celebrating our bass decision. Who knows if that turned out. I guess we'll find out soon.
That was a good day in a tough week. One of those days where I managed to let my thoughts and burdens go and just play with life. Which is something I have to do.
There's a reason I dig for joy in the little moments, like pretending I'm starting a band, and peculiar griddle cheese. Because I have no clue what anything is about. And that can overwhelm me if I don't distract myself with just enjoying it anyway, as it is.
It's no easy task, though. I can say that with certainty. It takes effort to keep going and to appreciate it all and to not understand any of it. That especially takes a lot of effort for me, not understanding, but doing it anyway. To continue and be happy and trust something.
Which is what I manage to always come back around to, even in the difficult weeks. I have to stand here, and just take it all on. And continue to have fun with it and giggle in parking lots and ask complacent high schoolers about the bass and just keep going forward and forward with curiosity and wonder.
And then there are those blessed moments of clarity, when I still don't know and that's just fine and I'm not worried anymore. And the fog lifts and the week's mental tempest disappears.
Like the other night. I was on the roof looking at the almost full moon and the dark purple clouds, with all of my questions, and at some point I just sort of, inadvertently, bent my elbow out to the side and felt life link arms with me and heard a whisper of something beautiful and I thought, all right, life, here we are. I'm with you again. Take me where I am supposed to go. And there we wandered, out into the moonrise together.