Friday, December 14, 2012


Well, it's been raining again, and the crows are getting rowdy.  I'm happy today, which, though not generally rare, is a bit unfamiliar. The past few weeks have been full of effort and turmoil and deep deep contemplation and I must say I've taken a few emotional beatings and things got confusing, too.

There were some wondrous highlights for sure, though, in the past month, for which I am so grateful. Gifts amongst the tumult.  Like when I went on a weekend trip to Denver and everything about that was amazing and there was Van Gogh and The 9th Door and The Brown Palace and singing around the piano late into the night and so much love holding on to me and I forgot about everything that's been difficult and I could have almost just stayed there and not come back at all.  

And then, there was one week here after I got back that it rained and rained and then it was misty all morning one day and then it was all just thick heavy fog sometimes and then it kept raining.  That was likely the most serene I've ever seen LA.  It was almost too much to bear every day just how beautiful and quiet it was around here. I don't know.  Sometimes the world is just overflowing and speaking to me and I just want to grab it and squeeze it and say thank you thank you thank you!

So those things were good. But then there's been the shadow of my job, cast just so, just enough to darken the rest of the landscape.  And it was only recently that I decided to move on from it.  I'm leaving it, and I don't even know what I'm going to next and for some odd reason that doesn't scare me.  There was a time when it sure would have, though.  There was a time when all of the unknowns scared me, I guess.  Now I just know that I keep figuring it out anyway.  

Here's something I realized about myself.  I begin idealistic.  Because that, I will always be.  Then, if the actual circumstances don't match my image, I adjust my own response to them because that's the main thing I can control.  Like how I was faced with a long, taxing commute and poring over math equations.  So I created devices to make those things all right, shifted my thinking and found ways to enjoy those bastards.  I'm resilient, to be sure, and can endure a lot and make things good.  But there's a limit.  And then there's an urgency to come to my own rescue.  When it's just taking too much effort and my joy is starting to dim, well, that's when I have to call it a day and change the circumstances, because I'm practical too, even though I'm one hell of a dreamer. 

So here I sit.  And everything feels right.  And onward I continue.  And the shadow is lifting.  And the joy is brightening.  And the rains are coming again.

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