Birthday

Ah, great world, world at large, it's my birthday tomorrow.  And I can't help but get reflective and philosophical about it.   

Sometimes, I really want to be able to put in a request with the maker and just say, dear big man in the sky, I'm sorry sir, but I will no longer be able to get older.  I am simply too young for that anymore.  Thank you.

But then I remember.  This aging thing has been really good for me. 

I've always been mostly joyful and in awe with life.  But it inevitably gets interrupted by certain moments of unclarity or despair.  I know what to do with those now, though.

  

I remember, when I was younger, staring at the walls wondering over and over what it's all about and where am I going and how do you do this, again? And many moments of panic.  And curling up into a ball with tears streaming down my cheeks just thinking, I can't do this.  But those days are long over.

And I do feel like I have it down now.  

It was the trying to figure it out that was the cause of all of the confusion.  Trying is a struggle.  Being is quite serene.  It's like if someone posed a question to which there was no answer.  You could just go crazy trying to answer it, or you could just grin and say, I like that question.  

And I had to keep pushing forward to figure any of that out for myself.  That was my strength during those deep and painful bouts of confusion.  Pulling myself up by the bootstraps and just coaching myself.  You got this.  Just keep going.  We'll figure it out one of these days.  And at some point, I did get it and just let life be.  And finally said to myself, there's no right way, just shine your light.

The more I started shining my light, my truest light, always, unabashed, fearlessly, the more the world lit up before me.   The light is yourself.  The brighter the lamp, the brighter the room.  The brighter you shine, the more illuminated the world becomes.   And clear, bright life makes so much more sense.

God, how I love living!

Now, it's like I don't even want to sleep, much less stare at a wall worrying about everything.  Now, I'm so quick to catch myself if ever I feel lost.  I'm just like, come on, girl!  There is too much to see and so many experiences afoot and so much wonder to behold.  And really, so little time.  Oh, precious life, I am forever enchanted by the details of your mystery. 

You hear people say there's not enough time in the day.  But, sometimes, it really feels like there is not enough time in the life.  I've said this before.  But it's going too fast.  

And I must not let my mind wander that way.  Come back here thoughts, lest you distract me from the glories at hand.

So, this week was not full of adventure, but contemplation.  My birthday does that.  It makes sense.  To evaluate who you are and how you've evolved and where you've come from.  So I did.  

Well, also, I played badminton in the park on three different occasions!  I seriously love that sport.  I swear I'm going to start a league or something one of these days.

I'll tell you something, though.  Every so often, I wonder if I should post when I don't really have a story.  But then I snap out of it.  Like with life, there's no rule to it.  

So, when I think this is silly and wonder who cares, I remember.  Our lives, they're our only stories, and they are rich, even if it's only our observations and thoughts.  

And this is a part of me being my complete and true self.  And having no fear in doing so.  Just putting all of me out there into the world. That's what I mean by the unabashed shining of light.  Because you could worry forever about what other people think.  Or you could just be you and carry on smiling.